Discipline:
The Deciding Factor

Responsible parenting helps build character and form attitudes a child will carry throughout life.

By Anne Green

Three-year-old Brenda pulled away from her mother's restraining hand and left us. When Grace finally went to find her daughter, it was too late to save our friend's cake from Brenda's mischie­vous fingers. Chunks and crumbs were scattered everywhere.

Now, as we left our friend's house, Grace explained her failure to correct Brenda. "Well, I didn't want a scene at someone else's home. If I tell her not to do something, she is sure to do it. If I don't tell her anything, at least I don't have to cope with disobedience." Grace had temporarily side­stepped the problem of Brenda’s disobedience, but she still had the problem of an undisciplined child.

A Biblical approach to discipline

The Bible has a great deal to say about disciplining children. It speaks of rebuking, restraining, and punishing, and the time for each. God, in the disciplining of His children, sets the example. Disciplining is to be done in love and with patience. For "whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth" (Hebrews 12:6). If parents act unfairly, or in irritation or anger, and with their own needs uppermost in their mind, the child will know it. How discipline is handled is as important as the correction itself.

To some people, discipline is synonymous with punishment. Actually, while discipline often entails rebuke or even some form of punishment, true discipline may eventually make punishment unnecessary. Those responsible for servicing expensive equipment often speak of “preventative maintenance.” Applying the same idea to child rearing paints a picture of care that will prevent later problems. One definition of discipline is "training that develops self-control, character, or orderly conduct." No doubt the writer of Proverbs had this in mind when he said: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6).

Training a child "in the way he should go" helps to build character, good habits, and attitudes that he will carry on throughout his life. Proper discipline encourages the child to make the most of his capabilities and talents.

Start Early

Obviously it is important that dis­cipline begin early. This starts with disciplined parents. Undisciplined parents are incapable of rearing disciplined children. "I can't do a thing with him," a despairing mother wails. That is a good indication that her problem began much earlier!

The Bible says that children should be chastened while there is hope to correct the problem. The youngster should be old enough to understand what he did wrong. The toddler who looks the parent straight in the eye and proceeds to take, or do, the forbidden thing is ready for discipline. Giving in to toddlers will in time mean having children who are out of control.

Avoid Problems

Often the need for correction may be lessened by the parent's looking ahead and avoiding situations that would result in a confrontation. Supervised activities, and planning ahead for ways to keep a child busy or entertained, may well keep your youngster out of trouble. For example, when taking a small child visiting, have along a favorite toy or ac­tivity book for entertainment. This is especially important when one is going to a home without other small chil­dren for the visitor to play with. When there is nothing to do, the toddler will wander off and get into trouble

Another way to avoid a problem before it develops might be called the "bait and switch" maneuver. When a youngster is obviously headed for something he is not allowed to play with, possibly he could be distracted by offering him something else or entertaining him for a few minutes until he has forgotten the forbidden object. This is much better than waiting until he has it in hand and then trying to get him to give it up, which may end up in a confrontation. However, even with such looking ahead, there will be many times when punishment is necessary.

To avoid situations that will create a need for punishment is a desire of most parents, but sometimes a parent may unconsciously get into such situations. For example, a child can be encouraged to lie by a parent's grimly demanding, "Did you do that?" when it is quite obvious he did. The threat in the voice and fear of punishment may cause the child to say no. Then, there may follow, "Don't lie to me," or "You know what happens when you tell a lie." It would be better not to ask the questions that tempt a child to lie. One might say, "It looks like you spilled," or "Did you have an accident?" Then it is a good idea to let the child (with Mother's help, no doubt) pick up, clean up, or whatever, at the same time encouraging him to say, “I’m sorry.”

Follow Through

The parent who follows through and sees that instructions are being carried out instead of checking some time later proves the truth of the saying, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!" Allowing the child to become used to repeated lectures before any action on its part is required is asking for trouble. Children have been known to comment, "Oh, Mom doesn't mean it till she yells, 'Clifford Kenneth Jones, do you hear me?' Then I know she means business." It saves a lot of later frustration to check and see that orders are being carried out when they are first given.

Choose the Correct Method

When a child understands what is expected of him and still refuses to obey, obviously he is in need of cor­rection. Sometimes a simple rebuke will get him moving. Other times stronger motivation is needed. In the Bible we see how the Priest Eli failed to restrain his sons in their evil doings, and the disastrous results. King David also failed his sons. The Bible says of Absalom, who defied his father and stole the kingdom, "His father had not dis­pleased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?" (I Kings 1:6).

In order for parents to discharge their responsibility to God and to their children, they must apply prop­er discipline. There comes a time to remember, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (Prov­erbs 13:24).

The purpose of discipline is to bring about the proper behavior in a child. To choose the appropriate means of correction, the parent must know what is effective. It doesn't hurt to ask oneself, "Is what I am doing effective; am I accomplishing what I want with this child?" Several factors should be taken into consideration before applying correction—the age of the child, the damage done or rule broken, and whether you are dealing with carelessness, procrastination, or direct disobedience. The child's personality or temperament should have a bearing. Some children respond quickly to expressed disapproval, a frown, or a "No, no!" Other children obviously need more. The type of punishment needed and how it is administered is of great importance.

Discipline With Love

  Correction must always be handled in a loving and thoughtful manner. Children are people too. If a child is embarrassed or humiliated in front of others, resentment may be the end result. Then the effect of the disci­pline or rebuke may be entirely negated. Often a youngster gets by with detestable behavior, the parent occasionally saying, "Now Johnny," or "You better stop that," but not restraining him. The misbehavior continues until the parent angrily responds with a sound whack on the bottom. How much better had the parent followed through when the child was first spoken to and stopped him at that point.

Be Consistent

The value of consistency in dealing with children cannot be overemphasized. Make plain where the lines are drawn and what the consequence will be if those lines are crossed. Make sure that the consequences of crossing the lines are immediately enforced—not some time, not part of the time, but every time! Children are confused, disbelieving, and angry when the parents say one thing and do something else.

Bertha Holt, one time Mother of the Year, and co-founder of Holt Children Services, was asked what she felt was of primary importance in training children. She responded, "Teach them to love God and teach them obedience." Parents who achieve this in the rearing of their child have God's promise from Proverbs 29:17, "Yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul."

Yes, successfully disciplining children is a challenge for parents, but the end result is well worth the effort!