There is gratitude in my heart for God’s amazing grace and mercy to me. My parents raised my three brothers and me in a home where we saw Christianity lived in front of us every day. It was a happy home, and I always knew that my parents loved each other and us. We saw that who they were on Sunday was who they were all the time. In business and around our neighborhood, everyone knew that my parents were Christians.
As I grew older, it was clear to me that this was the life I wanted—just not yet. Even though I saw peace and contentment at home, I felt the pull of the world and wondered what I was missing outside of those walls. During high school, I wanted to be a Christian and would try to be one during the summer, but when school started again and I was around my school friends, that desire would fade. I claimed to be saved and tried to be a Christian in my own strength, but I never had a real experience of salvation. And my own efforts were never enough. I was not strong enough to overcome that desire to sin because it was just part of my nature. My life went on in this hypocrisy after I graduated from high school, and I started making some terribly foolish decisions and getting involved in things I knew were wrong.
On New Year’s Eve night in 1998, I went to a party. Looking back on it now, I realize that for some time, God had been trying to speak to my heart. I was becoming a miserable and mean person to be around. I could feel it and didn’t like it. However, though I wanted to change, I was afraid to ask God for help.
That night I knew everyone at the party would be drinking and I didn’t want to. I was trying in my own strength to withstand the urge, so my solution was to ride my motorcycle to the party. I figured I would stay away from alcohol knowing that I had to ride my bike home, but it wasn’t long before I was doing exactly what I had promised myself I wouldn’t do, and was drunk. As everyone was counting down to midnight, I envisioned the people at our church praying the old year out and the new year in. Suddenly I excused myself from the party and got on my bike to leave.
I have no recollection of what happened next, or how I ever got home. The next memory I have is of being in my bedroom and hearing a very real Voice saying to me, “I got you home.” My whole family was gone and I was completely alone in the house. The God of Heaven would not let me avoid Him any longer.
The next few days were awful for me. My parents had returned home from a trip they had been on and my dad was there when I came into the house on the morning of January 5, after being out all night. I was miserable, and Dad could tell. He asked what was wrong, and the only words I could utter were, “Dad, I need to pray.” We went upstairs to my room and like a small child I knelt by my bedside. I was convinced that somehow God would be mad at me. I thought that He would tell me all the things I had done wrong and somehow make me work for salvation. But just as my earthly father put his arm around me and loved me, so did God. He did not berate me and recite all of my mistakes. After I had rejected Him and trampled on His grace so many times, He reached down and put His loving arms around me. God forgave me! This wonderful salvation could not be worked for or earned; the price was already paid for me. When I came to Him with a broken and repentant heart, He put his salvation down in my soul.
In 2000, I was visiting our church in Roseburg, and the minister preached about sanctification. I had heard about that experience all of my life, but that night it seemed like it really made sense to me. That sermon was what I needed, and when the service was over, I went to the altar and prayed, and the Lord sanctified me.
That experience was wonderful, but after a time, I kind of settled down in my walk with the Lord and became a little complacent. I wasn’t really doing everything that I could in terms of seeking after God. In 2001, the Portland young people had a retreat, and I did not go. Then I heard about the wonderful way the Lord worked at that retreat, renewing many hearts. A spirit of revival had sprung up.
The Sunday night after the retreat, I had decided I was too tired to go to church. However, one of my friends who had been at the retreat called me and said, “You’ve got to go to church, man.” I went, and as I sat in that meeting, I felt like everyone was pushing toward the place of prayer. There was such a sense of urgency and hunger for God!
All of a sudden my focus changed, and I began seriously looking at where I was with the Lord. It wasn’t me; it was God! Somehow, He got me to a point where I was hungry for the experience of the baptism of the Holy Ghost.
I began to seek God in earnest, and in just a few short weeks, I knew in my heart that everything was on the altar. I had consecrated everything I knew to consecrate, had given Him everything I knew how to give, so I just began to praise His name. On a Thursday night just before our annual camp meeting began in Portland, the Lord came down and filled me with His Spirit. A month before it had seemed like receiving that experience was a mountain in front of me, but I found out that when we do what we can do, God does the rest.
The night I was saved, my girlfriend also prayed and was saved. That next May we were married, and in the years since then, God has blessed our home in so many ways. He has given us two healthy, vibrant children and He uses them daily to provide spiritual lessons for both of us.
The Gospel message that I heard and saw lived throughout my childhood has transformed my life. The road hasn’t always been easy, but what road is? However, I can say that God has always been there. God’s arms are still around me; He has never left me. I have a better life than I could ever have imagined and far better than I deserve. That Voice I was running from, I now run to. God is my source of joy and strength, and I cannot wait to see Him face to face and thank Him for all He has done for me.
Josh Habre is a youth minister of the Apostolic Faith Church in Portland, Oregon.
